You'll Never Make the 15th ... or Did You?

Tax time may be over, but that doesn't stop us from bitching about it.

Trying to balance that fine line of not giving the government a free loan with our money vs. having to cough up money that we were counting on being their for food and shelter, gives me a headache every second I have to think about it. My opinion on this dilemma, give the government some of the money and get it back later. The interest I could gain from it if I actually had it the entire year, is marginal and not worth my time being able to walk a tight-rope. I never want to actually write a check with money that I thought I actually had. Getting money that you didn't know you had is more like Christmas than paying bail. I want to hear your opinion on this topic.

I also use TurboTax. It may be the same price as a H&R Block-type person (or less), but not having to deal with a person who has to split his attention over 100's of tax returns and allowing me to concentrate and understand fully what's being done, is quite a bit of an advantage. I also, find TurboTax easy to use. Never had a problem. My return is obviously not that difficult. What do you people use, people or software?

More to Come:
Getting kicked in nuts, Stupid ass videos on the internet, Cell Phones, Stupid abbreviations, historical sites located in terrible neighborhoods, grocery shopping while on your cell phone (arguing about products), sports fanatics, old women who close YOUR window on the bus without asking, line-integrity police guy, people who say good morning when its clearly afternoon, mock crab, that fucking guy

LOLCats = -LOL = Hatred++

The mere existence of LOLCats should show how this world is just falling apart. I'll admit that some cats can be funny like this:



And this (Please give time to load, it is worth it)

But the gratuitous use of misspelled words and and 3-year-old phrases really makes me want to vomit in rage rather than think that any part of it is cute. I don't blame the cats, just the cat owners.
You know that feeling you get when your mom/dad/guardian shows that picture of you taking a bath in a sink, or you wearing that blue leisure suit when you were only 3 and you had no control over anyone? Embarrassment. That's what every single cat in those pictures feel like 24/7 because their f'ing owner thinks it's cuuuuute. If you wake up one morning with your eye balls scratched out, I'll produce a small twinge of laughter and say "That's so cuuuuute. He maimed and disfigured you until your unrecognizable."

Note: cats WERE harmed in making of this post. Not really (unfortunately)

More To Come:
Taxes, Getting kicked in nuts, Stupid ass videos on the internet, Cell Phones, Stupid abbreviations, historical sites located in terrible neighborhoods, grocery shopping while on your cell phone (arguing about products), sports fanatics, old women who close YOUR window on the bus without asking, line-integrity police guy, people who say good morning when its clearly afternoon, mock crab, that fucking guy

O To The "Rescue"

I wanted to address a comment immediately.

Dear Abby- I've been married 57 years now, and I think my husband is cheating on me with the mailman. How can I be a better wife to him so he doesn't have to stray?
SPECIAL DELIVERY in Tuscon

Dear Special Delivery:
Thank you for the letter. You did say mailMAN ... right? There is nothing in this world that I find more disgusting than two sausages smacking together. Strangely enough I got the perfect gift for your husband. This is guaranteed to bring him back to you. Please see the email I received below:

Hi Everyone!

Just wanted to let you know the Meat Heart Bouquet is now available at BeefJerkybouquet.com, (where else?)

My web guy hasn't posted the new pic yet, so I thought I would give my A-listers first gander. (See attachment below)

Hope you like:) A lot of people have asked about this bouquet, so I just wanted to remind everyone I am still UPS ground ( I know, I know, slow poke girl) which means it is probably a good Idea to order at least a week ahead of time to guarantee on-time delivery. Well that's it. Thanks again for being a Jerky Head. It really means a lot to us here at Jerky Central.

XOXOXOX Happy Valentines Day (in three weeks)

Lou
BeefJerkybouquet.com
Say it with Meat!

Remember it is always best to "say it with meat!" Your husband will be so sick of "meat" in all forms, he'll come running back.
Moral of the story for the kids .... spam can sometimes be entertaining. Hold back your frustration and wait on that delete key.

More To Come:
Taxes, Getting kicked in nuts, Stupid ass videos on the internet, Cell Phones, Stupid abbreviations, LOLcats, historical sites located in terrible neighborhoods, grocery shopping while on your cell phone (arguing about products), sports fanatics, old women who close YOUR window on the bus without asking, line-integrity police guy, people who say good morning when its clearly afternoon, mock crab, that fucking guy

Audience Driven

I think I already strayed from the purpose of this blog. To insult all people. I want to make this blog somewhat audience driven. Give me a topic, and I'll go off about it. My email is oberg3@yahoo.com. Yes, I know that I inviting spam, and I don't really give a s!@#. And yes, I don't have a large audience at all, maybe 3 people. Thanks for insulting me. I want this blog to be a parallel to "Dear Abby", except I don't help with problems, I fuel the fire ... with a possible hint of help.

Future topics so I have them:
Taxes, Getting kicked in nuts, Stupid ass videos on the internet, Cell Phones

C U Soon.

Future topic supplemental:
Stupid abbreviations (i.e. the L33T language)

Pure Gold

I saw another classic billboard on the way into work:

Arrive Alive
Do Not Drive Distracted

I immediately drove into oncoming traffic and died ... mostly because I was distracted by the billboard.

Finally

They finally got a box of TP!! Only after one of the servers took a dump and they had to leave the office to get a new hard drive.

Terrible

Why am I Here?

The following tale of conspiracy and mismanagement is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth ... the answer is no.

For those of you that recognize the quote above ... kudos ... and yes, I mean the snack bar. This story is about the fight between me and "the machine" ... fictionally. Please read disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: The following is a complete work of fiction and does not correlate in any way to any person, place, or event. Reading, copying, or, for that matter, doing anything with this story implies usage limited only to laughing and vomiting in rage.

Now that that's out of the way, we can start. Queue up a fade to a dark and stormy Monday morning. No direct sunlight, only the ambient glow of the dark gray clouds.

I'm sitting in my office, and a not so sudden, but expected urge comes over me. I know what time it is without looking at any sort of time-piece. It's 10:15am. Going for the most relaxing part of the day. Although it has not been a particularly rough morning, it look forward to the relaxation time, for the few minutes. (Start soft nature sounds) I walk into the relaxation room, hard and cold, dimly lit, perfect relaxation mood. I sit down on the cold porcelain surface. (Do you know where I am yet? You should, otherwise you should just stop.)
Concentration. Mind wondering thoughts of the past ... and possibly the future.
Mediation complete. Now to complete the ritual so that discomfort does not follow later in the day.

AAAAHHHHHHHHH !!!!! NO TOILET PAPER !!!!!!!

I fell victim to the classic, not checking for stock before committing. I then told the appropriate person about the problem, and didn't give it a second thought.
One week passes. Someone in the office felt it necessary to buy some toilet paper from the gas station across the street. I can understand that he would not want to have the females in the office be without. That just seems wrong.
One month passes. This one guy is still buying and expensing the TP from across the street.
A total of 1-1/2 months pass. The person whose responsibility this is is really dropping the ball. This cannot go on. The "Oberg vs. The Machine" feeling is now kicking in. This person has been told multiple times by multiple people to remedy the situation, yet nothing.
I know what your thinking ... tell his boss. I can't. He is "the man" (add other metaphors here). Well what's wrong with the one person buying and expensing. Well ... he's doing "the man's" job. "The Man" may find that acceptable, but not me. Especially when this directly translates to other aspects of his business, such as product development.

I had an idea. Take the remaining rolls from the rest of the bathrooms (b.t.w. that was 1-1/2 rolls for 3 bathrooms). I also did warn the females in the office, but they decided to keep their 1 remaining 3/4 roll. FYI, that roll did go out. The thought that the person responsible would feel such a large amount of embarrassment from a female asking for more TP, that he would remedy it, and never do it again.
Well, TP White Knight decided to buy some at the gas station anyway. Plan foiled.
It may seem childish, but hard lessons make for easy learning. Also, I don't think he cares about who he fires if someone were to confront him and call him a dumb-ass (like I would do).

Well, the question remains ... why am I here? I stopped caring about anything that goes on here. I will assume the role of a worker drone, doing what he is told.

Reminder: see disclaimer. This post IS FICTIONAL.