Pure Gold

I saw another classic billboard on the way into work:

Arrive Alive
Do Not Drive Distracted

I immediately drove into oncoming traffic and died ... mostly because I was distracted by the billboard.

Finally

They finally got a box of TP!! Only after one of the servers took a dump and they had to leave the office to get a new hard drive.

Terrible

Why am I Here?

The following tale of conspiracy and mismanagement is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth ... the answer is no.

For those of you that recognize the quote above ... kudos ... and yes, I mean the snack bar. This story is about the fight between me and "the machine" ... fictionally. Please read disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: The following is a complete work of fiction and does not correlate in any way to any person, place, or event. Reading, copying, or, for that matter, doing anything with this story implies usage limited only to laughing and vomiting in rage.

Now that that's out of the way, we can start. Queue up a fade to a dark and stormy Monday morning. No direct sunlight, only the ambient glow of the dark gray clouds.

I'm sitting in my office, and a not so sudden, but expected urge comes over me. I know what time it is without looking at any sort of time-piece. It's 10:15am. Going for the most relaxing part of the day. Although it has not been a particularly rough morning, it look forward to the relaxation time, for the few minutes. (Start soft nature sounds) I walk into the relaxation room, hard and cold, dimly lit, perfect relaxation mood. I sit down on the cold porcelain surface. (Do you know where I am yet? You should, otherwise you should just stop.)
Concentration. Mind wondering thoughts of the past ... and possibly the future.
Mediation complete. Now to complete the ritual so that discomfort does not follow later in the day.

AAAAHHHHHHHHH !!!!! NO TOILET PAPER !!!!!!!

I fell victim to the classic, not checking for stock before committing. I then told the appropriate person about the problem, and didn't give it a second thought.
One week passes. Someone in the office felt it necessary to buy some toilet paper from the gas station across the street. I can understand that he would not want to have the females in the office be without. That just seems wrong.
One month passes. This one guy is still buying and expensing the TP from across the street.
A total of 1-1/2 months pass. The person whose responsibility this is is really dropping the ball. This cannot go on. The "Oberg vs. The Machine" feeling is now kicking in. This person has been told multiple times by multiple people to remedy the situation, yet nothing.
I know what your thinking ... tell his boss. I can't. He is "the man" (add other metaphors here). Well what's wrong with the one person buying and expensing. Well ... he's doing "the man's" job. "The Man" may find that acceptable, but not me. Especially when this directly translates to other aspects of his business, such as product development.

I had an idea. Take the remaining rolls from the rest of the bathrooms (b.t.w. that was 1-1/2 rolls for 3 bathrooms). I also did warn the females in the office, but they decided to keep their 1 remaining 3/4 roll. FYI, that roll did go out. The thought that the person responsible would feel such a large amount of embarrassment from a female asking for more TP, that he would remedy it, and never do it again.
Well, TP White Knight decided to buy some at the gas station anyway. Plan foiled.
It may seem childish, but hard lessons make for easy learning. Also, I don't think he cares about who he fires if someone were to confront him and call him a dumb-ass (like I would do).

Well, the question remains ... why am I here? I stopped caring about anything that goes on here. I will assume the role of a worker drone, doing what he is told.

Reminder: see disclaimer. This post IS FICTIONAL.

Cinderella Had It Easy

This past weekend the family went to a local apple orchid and pumpkin farm to pick apples and pumpkins for the upcoming holiday. Fun place. It has a petting zoo, a bunch of blow-up "jump-around" things for the little kids to play in, as well as some self-powered karts and tractors (i.e. petal) to race around aside for the apples and pumpkins. First of all, it's October and it's blazing hot outside (high 80s). This weather is ridiculous.

Any way, the not-so-funny part came when we were picking pumpkins. The pumpkin patch is accessible by a wagon ride where the wagon is in the shape of a over sized novelty pumpkin, much like Cinderella, that's pulled by a John Deer tractor. After picking some choice pumpkins, I started loading one of the "wagons" with the pumpkins and my daughter. Well, of course I turned around to grab the diaper bag and the tractor took off with the wagon. Not a feverish pitch by any means, but it took me by surprise and I stood for just a moment. Reality then hit that my daughter was in there. There was another set of people in the "carriage", but I needed to get on it. Well, I ran ... also not a feverish pitch, for those who know me. But fast enough in order to catch it. My daughter and pumpkins, all well, no bruises or scratches. I waited at the next stop for my wife and son to show on the next enchanted pumpkin, and all was well.

Just a brief moment of excitement.

Speaking of weather, we went to a bon-fire later that night. Everyone stayed at least 15 feet away from the fire. Where's the snow? When's the next ice-age coming?

Driving Through Hell

On my way into work today, the electronic billboard had a confusing saying on it:

Fall is here
Don't veer for deer

Wouldn't you want to veer out of the way or a large animal in front of your car. I understand that it may be better to hit the animal than swerve and hit another car or fly off the road into a house or ditch. It probably should be more clear:

If a deer you come upon,
Be sure to hit it head on

Makes a lot more sense now.

Any way, I wanted to talk about gapers. Now, gapers are different from gawkers in that they apply directly to people in moving vehicles. These are the people that unnecessarily slow down to extreme slow speeds when they come across construction, police officers that have someone pulled over, or just someone/something on the side of the road. Obviously you should slow down for all these things for safety reasons, but to slow down to 10 or 15 MPH in a 70 MPH highway or 45 MPH construction zone where they have already reduced the speed limit for safety, is just ridiculous. In two instances, I have seen a gaper slow down for a pulled over car (no police officer) that was ON THE OTHER SIDE of a 70 MPH divided highway. Also slowing down for a bunch of MDOT workers that were "taking a break" by watching all of us fools driving < 10 MPH makes my blood boil to the point of insanity.

Now I have an idea, we should pay these people and give them goals to shoot for. Here is an example procedure of how to carry out a proper gaper traffic jam:

1. Look for ANYTHING on the side of the road. People, car, animals (dead or alive), or small pieces of junk

2. Wait until you are less than 50 feet away from the object and the promptly slam on the brakes of your vehicle. Make sure to be safe and mindful of the road conditions, we wouldn't want you next the object.

3. Once you are at slightly less than 5% of the allowed speed limit, let off the brake and coast to object while blankly staring at the object.

4. Once at the object, make a complete stop. If the road your on has multiple lanes, attempt to block all of the them with your vehicle.

5. Exit your vehicle while maintaining a locked-on stare with the object. Be sure to leave your door open.

6. Throw both hands in the air in disgust while shaking head. Having your mouth wide open will enhance the effect. Remember, eye on the object.

7. Now is the ONLY time when eye contact with the object can be released, but you must now stare at the person directly behind your vehicle while silently mouthing "Oh my God !!" and pointing at the object.

8. Now return to the interior of your vehicle while showing a look of disappointment. Wait !! Be to hesitate of just a moment while entering the vehicle. Possibly performing a double-take.

9. Accelerate away from the object while taking at least 2 miles distance to reach legal speed limit.

I hate these bastards.

Supplemental 10/02/2007 8:30 am:
I saw again today the person that slows down for the other side of the divided highway. I caught her in a #3 and a #9. If she was getting paid, she should get minimum wage. Terrible work.

Reliving the Past ... With a Twist

This Saturday my family went to a kind of reunion picnic with college friends and family from Sigma Chi fraternity, Zeta Theta chapter. There was probably about 50 people or so, but half were kids ranging in age from 5 to <1 year. It's kind of weird remembering parties that I used to go to with my friends that start at 10:00pm with drinking and loud music. This was a party started at 1:00pm, with the football game going in the background, and drinking (at a much lower level), but also with the addition of toys, blankets, playpens, and strollers. Everybody has grown up. Just kind of strange. One guy made a good comment,

We used to say 'Where's my beer?' ... now we're constantly looking around saying, 'The kids ok?' and 'where's the dog?'

Just strange. How lives and personalities of people change with time. I wonder what I'll be like in 10 more years. (fade to black)

What the He!! Have I Been Doing

Of course life comes at ya in LARGE chunks and there is little time for hobbies ... such as blogging. Below is the post I was working on ...

Music at It's Finest

Last night I went to opening night at Muskegon's Summer Celebration. First headliner of the 11-day long festival ... 'Weird Al' Yankovic. Hilarious show. Many, many costume changes, from Amish, to Puff Daddy, to Michael Jackson (fat and skinny), to Jedi Knight, and to Rage Against the Machine. And in between each costume change, they showed "Al TV" segments from when MTV was good.

... which is now completely obsolete and removed from my brain since it was so long ago.

Otherwise working, playing softball, going to the bar (actually it's a sports bar and grill restaurant), watching football, playing fantasy football, playing with the kids, and sleeping. I'll type more when I have time.

Sneakin' in the Movies

Today is about rating movies that I saw over the weekend. The title of this post refers to a very good movie that everyone should see. I rated each movie on multiple different systems, so that you can gauge accuracy on your particular method. Thumbs up/down, A.B.C.D.F. grade system, and number of stars out of 5. But anyway, I went to the drive-in movie theater on Friday with the family. Great place, and a double-feature for the price of one movie, and the kids can (for the most part) be as loud as they want. First movie:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (official site)
This sequel was not as bad as the 2nd movie, but also not as good as the first. Not a lot of quick-witted, snappy one liners, which I think are funny, but the plot was very good. It took a little while to get to the end scene, but it was worth the wait. Now I'm sure that the demise (if there was one) of olden day pirates was not as dramatic as portrayed in the movie, but it makes for a good visual. Disney used their money well, but as the old adage goes ... sequels suck (when compared to the original).
Rating: Thumbs up, B, 3.5/5 stars

Wild Hogs (official site)
This movie has an excellent cast for the type of movie that it is, slap-stick comedy. It didn't make me laugh out loud, but a lot of the slap-stick was very funny and the plot did move right along. There was only one problem with this movie: Ray Liotta. For some reason, ever since Goodfellas, I can appreciate, nor like him in any other role. For me, he ruins movies everywhere he goes. This movie was good nonetheless. Good family movie, but wait for the DVD. No distinct advantage to seeing it in the theater.
Rating: Thumbs up, A-, 4/5 stars

The next couple of movies we rented, and thank God I didn't see some of these in the theater. I would have stabbed myself.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend
My nephew thought this movie would be funny ... it wasn't. This movie is about a guy, whose girlfriend is a super hero and turns out to be a super freak. Needless to say, he breaks up with her for a normal bitchy girlfriend. The super hero retaliates. Terrible plot, terrible writing. It's a shame it has a decent cast. I fell asleep during this movie at one particular point. See if you can figure out why. As one of the "I hate you" moves done by the super hero, she throws a live great white shark into his 10+ floor New York apartment. It tries to eat him. End consciousness.
Rating: Thumbs down, F, 0.5/5 stars

Ghost Rider (official site)
I really liked this movie and wish I could have seen it in the theater. I am very partial to movies about God and satan, such as The Devil's Advocate and Stigmata. This movie does not disappoint in that respect. Good visuals and decent acting although Nicholas Cage would not have been my first choice.
Rating: Thumbs up, A, 4.5/5 stars

The Pursuit of Happyness (official site)
I didn't think this movie would be any good, mostly because I don't like movies about true events. I like to keep my mind floating in fantasy land and stay away for real (hence my blog name). This movie did surprise me, it was witty and funny in some parts, but also made you feel genuine feeling for the Will Smith character. He is Hollywood's premier actor in my opinion.
Rating: Thumbs up, B, 3/5 stars

Yes, I did see a lot of movies this weekend, but that's what I do with kids running around.

The Forbidden Donut

I was gonna write about something else, but something really pissed me off today. Let me paint the picture.

Nice warm day outside. Drove into work with the windows down. No traffic to be seen. Smooth sailing all the way in. Get to work and go into the break room, and Surprise, donuts !! Lovely donuts for all to enjoy. Sounds good, right. Day couldn't be any better so far. The gods are smiling on me. I scan the selection of donuts, all very tempting. Then I spot it. The donut WITHOUT the hole. It's girth also doubles the size of any of it's neighbors. Conclusion: must be jam packed with something: creme, custard, jelly. The suspense thick. I take a bite.

BLAMO !!! Right in the face, but not literally as I expected.

A donut, huge donut, with NO hole, but also with NO filling. (Queue the evil organ music) Why have the fates damned me so? Why can't they just let me live my life. What possessed devil made such a large, holeless donut with nothing in the center other than .... dough? Was it a conspiracy? Was I on TV? I've been punked haven't I? This donut contradicts everything I stand for. Let me explain.

I have a food item mathematical equation that makes choosing food a breeze. That equation: Maximize your Mass per Dollar (mass/$) with every food item. This donut defied me and gave me false data. (Please forget that fact that I did not actually purchase the donuts, therefore making my Mass/$ coefficient infinity) It's mass seemed quite large, and the presence of a filling created a much denser and therefore much larger massed item. But, without the filling ... only fluffy dough present, destroying such mass as I hold so dear.

I ate the donut. Got some coffee. Wrote this blog. Maybe I'll center my being with another donut. One deemed more worthy. One with unlimited Mass/$ potential. One not made by Satan himself.

The Maiden Post

First of all, thanks to those of you reading this. If you don't understand the title of this blog and why I'm doing it, stop reading reading now, I don't need your business. Come to think of it, I really don't need anyone's business. This blog is for masturbatory purposes only. And keep your mind out of the gutter (I saw that). I am also not a ligician (linguistic magician), so no comments, otherwise I will rip you a new one on this very blog. Here we go:

Yesterday, my wife and I played in our 1 of 2 SLOW-PITCH co-ed softball leagues. Had a double-header, lost 1 and tied 1. That's ok, but here's what really bothers me: males that take walks in a slow-pitch softball league. The purpose of "slow-pitch" is that the ball is lobbed at you to "hit it". Not to watch it go by in the hopes that the non-professional softball pitcher will not hit the strike zone. The pitcher will NOT hit the strike zone 9 out of 10 times. That person has a real job that does not require him/her to place a ball in a 2x2 ft area from 40 ft away. It makes for a really boring game for one, and it makes me want to trip that person as they trot around the bases. I always have the overwhelming urge (in which I always indulge) to yell "Rec League !!" No one standing around this field is staking their life or money on this game in which most people are just trying to get the end so they can drink themselves silly at the bar. If you want to get walked, just stand at the plate with a slouched back, and the bat dangling off your shoulder, and wait ... for me to come over to you kick your a$$.

In 1 of the games yesterday, I got called out because of too many foul balls. Fine by me, they were all decent pitches. Not great or perfect, just decent. That's all I expect. But then when the pitcher of the other team walks to the plate, no f!@#$@ courtesy. He doesn't even look like he wants to hold the bat. Sad.

Now some of you may be saying, "He said males that take walks, not females!" Well, I did. If a female comes to bat looks more than capable of hitting the ball, then fine, I'll hate her too. Same goes the other way. If your capable, hit the ball. Statistics fall towards the male being better at hitting a ball in a recreational league in the middle of Michigan. If you don't like it, tell me ... and cover your groin area.

That's it for the first one. Hope you liked/hated it. Also if you have some good topics, let me know. Who knows, I may agree with you.