Monday, October 29, 2007

Pure Gold

I saw another classic billboard on the way into work:
Arrive Alive
Do Not Drive Distracted
I immediately drove into oncoming traffic and died ... mostly because I was distracted by the billboard.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


They finally got a box of TP!! Only after one of the servers took a dump and they had to leave the office to get a new hard drive.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Why am I Here?

The following tale of conspiracy and mismanagement is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth ... the answer is no.
For those of you that recognize the quote above ... kudos ... and yes, I mean the snack bar. This story is about the fight between me and "the machine" ... fictionally. Please read disclaimer:
DISCLAIMER: The following is a complete work of fiction and does not correlate in any way to any person, place, or event. Reading, copying, or, for that matter, doing anything with this story implies usage limited only to laughing and vomiting in rage.
Now that that's out of the way, we can start. Queue up a fade to a dark and stormy Monday morning. No direct sunlight, only the ambient glow of the dark gray clouds.

I'm sitting in my office, and a not so sudden, but expected urge comes over me. I know what time it is without looking at any sort of time-piece. It's 10:15am. Going for the most relaxing part of the day. Although it has not been a particularly rough morning, it look forward to the relaxation time, for the few minutes. (Start soft nature sounds) I walk into the relaxation room, hard and cold, dimly lit, perfect relaxation mood. I sit down on the cold porcelain surface. (Do you know where I am yet? You should, otherwise you should just stop.)
Concentration. Mind wondering thoughts of the past ... and possibly the future.
Mediation complete. Now to complete the ritual so that discomfort does not follow later in the day.


I fell victim to the classic, not checking for stock before committing. I then told the appropriate person about the problem, and didn't give it a second thought.
One week passes. Someone in the office felt it necessary to buy some toilet paper from the gas station across the street. I can understand that he would not want to have the females in the office be without. That just seems wrong.
One month passes. This one guy is still buying and expensing the TP from across the street.
A total of 1-1/2 months pass. The person whose responsibility this is is really dropping the ball. This cannot go on. The "Oberg vs. The Machine" feeling is now kicking in. This person has been told multiple times by multiple people to remedy the situation, yet nothing.
I know what your thinking ... tell his boss. I can't. He is "the man" (add other metaphors here). Well what's wrong with the one person buying and expensing. Well ... he's doing "the man's" job. "The Man" may find that acceptable, but not me. Especially when this directly translates to other aspects of his business, such as product development.

I had an idea. Take the remaining rolls from the rest of the bathrooms (b.t.w. that was 1-1/2 rolls for 3 bathrooms). I also did warn the females in the office, but they decided to keep their 1 remaining 3/4 roll. FYI, that roll did go out. The thought that the person responsible would feel such a large amount of embarrassment from a female asking for more TP, that he would remedy it, and never do it again.
Well, TP White Knight decided to buy some at the gas station anyway. Plan foiled.
It may seem childish, but hard lessons make for easy learning. Also, I don't think he cares about who he fires if someone were to confront him and call him a dumb-ass (like I would do).

Well, the question remains ... why am I here? I stopped caring about anything that goes on here. I will assume the role of a worker drone, doing what he is told.

Reminder: see disclaimer. This post IS FICTIONAL.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Cinderella Had It Easy

This past weekend the family went to a local apple orchid and pumpkin farm to pick apples and pumpkins for the upcoming holiday. Fun place. It has a petting zoo, a bunch of blow-up "jump-around" things for the little kids to play in, as well as some self-powered karts and tractors (i.e. petal) to race around aside for the apples and pumpkins. First of all, it's October and it's blazing hot outside (high 80s). This weather is ridiculous.

Any way, the not-so-funny part came when we were picking pumpkins. The pumpkin patch is accessible by a wagon ride where the wagon is in the shape of a over sized novelty pumpkin, much like Cinderella, that's pulled by a John Deer tractor. After picking some choice pumpkins, I started loading one of the "wagons" with the pumpkins and my daughter. Well, of course I turned around to grab the diaper bag and the tractor took off with the wagon. Not a feverish pitch by any means, but it took me by surprise and I stood for just a moment. Reality then hit that my daughter was in there. There was another set of people in the "carriage", but I needed to get on it. Well, I ran ... also not a feverish pitch, for those who know me. But fast enough in order to catch it. My daughter and pumpkins, all well, no bruises or scratches. I waited at the next stop for my wife and son to show on the next enchanted pumpkin, and all was well.

Just a brief moment of excitement.

Speaking of weather, we went to a bon-fire later that night. Everyone stayed at least 15 feet away from the fire. Where's the snow? When's the next ice-age coming?

Monday, October 1, 2007

Driving Through Hell

On my way into work today, the electronic billboard had a confusing saying on it:
Fall is here
Don't veer for deer
Wouldn't you want to veer out of the way or a large animal in front of your car. I understand that it may be better to hit the animal than swerve and hit another car or fly off the road into a house or ditch. It probably should be more clear:
If a deer you come upon,
Be sure to hit it head on
Makes a lot more sense now.

Any way, I wanted to talk about gapers. Now, gapers are different from gawkers in that they apply directly to people in moving vehicles. These are the people that unnecessarily slow down to extreme slow speeds when they come across construction, police officers that have someone pulled over, or just someone/something on the side of the road. Obviously you should slow down for all these things for safety reasons, but to slow down to 10 or 15 MPH in a 70 MPH highway or 45 MPH construction zone where they have already reduced the speed limit for safety, is just ridiculous. In two instances, I have seen a gaper slow down for a pulled over car (no police officer) that was ON THE OTHER SIDE of a 70 MPH divided highway. Also slowing down for a bunch of MDOT workers that were "taking a break" by watching all of us fools driving < 10 MPH makes my blood boil to the point of insanity.

Now I have an idea, we should pay these people and give them goals to shoot for. Here is an example procedure of how to carry out a proper gaper traffic jam:

1. Look for ANYTHING on the side of the road. People, car, animals (dead or alive), or small pieces of junk

2. Wait until you are less than 50 feet away from the object and the promptly slam on the brakes of your vehicle. Make sure to be safe and mindful of the road conditions, we wouldn't want you next the object.

3. Once you are at slightly less than 5% of the allowed speed limit, let off the brake and coast to object while blankly staring at the object.

4. Once at the object, make a complete stop. If the road your on has multiple lanes, attempt to block all of the them with your vehicle.

5. Exit your vehicle while maintaining a locked-on stare with the object. Be sure to leave your door open.

6. Throw both hands in the air in disgust while shaking head. Having your mouth wide open will enhance the effect. Remember, eye on the object.

7. Now is the ONLY time when eye contact with the object can be released, but you must now stare at the person directly behind your vehicle while silently mouthing "Oh my God !!" and pointing at the object.

8. Now return to the interior of your vehicle while showing a look of disappointment. Wait !! Be to hesitate of just a moment while entering the vehicle. Possibly performing a double-take.

9. Accelerate away from the object while taking at least 2 miles distance to reach legal speed limit.

I hate these bastards.

Supplemental 10/02/2007 8:30 am:
I saw again today the person that slows down for the other side of the divided highway. I caught her in a #3 and a #9. If she was getting paid, she should get minimum wage. Terrible work.