Driving Through Hell

On my way into work today, the electronic billboard had a confusing saying on it:

Fall is here
Don't veer for deer

Wouldn't you want to veer out of the way or a large animal in front of your car. I understand that it may be better to hit the animal than swerve and hit another car or fly off the road into a house or ditch. It probably should be more clear:

If a deer you come upon,
Be sure to hit it head on

Makes a lot more sense now.

Any way, I wanted to talk about gapers. Now, gapers are different from gawkers in that they apply directly to people in moving vehicles. These are the people that unnecessarily slow down to extreme slow speeds when they come across construction, police officers that have someone pulled over, or just someone/something on the side of the road. Obviously you should slow down for all these things for safety reasons, but to slow down to 10 or 15 MPH in a 70 MPH highway or 45 MPH construction zone where they have already reduced the speed limit for safety, is just ridiculous. In two instances, I have seen a gaper slow down for a pulled over car (no police officer) that was ON THE OTHER SIDE of a 70 MPH divided highway. Also slowing down for a bunch of MDOT workers that were "taking a break" by watching all of us fools driving < 10 MPH makes my blood boil to the point of insanity.

Now I have an idea, we should pay these people and give them goals to shoot for. Here is an example procedure of how to carry out a proper gaper traffic jam:

1. Look for ANYTHING on the side of the road. People, car, animals (dead or alive), or small pieces of junk

2. Wait until you are less than 50 feet away from the object and the promptly slam on the brakes of your vehicle. Make sure to be safe and mindful of the road conditions, we wouldn't want you next the object.

3. Once you are at slightly less than 5% of the allowed speed limit, let off the brake and coast to object while blankly staring at the object.

4. Once at the object, make a complete stop. If the road your on has multiple lanes, attempt to block all of the them with your vehicle.

5. Exit your vehicle while maintaining a locked-on stare with the object. Be sure to leave your door open.

6. Throw both hands in the air in disgust while shaking head. Having your mouth wide open will enhance the effect. Remember, eye on the object.

7. Now is the ONLY time when eye contact with the object can be released, but you must now stare at the person directly behind your vehicle while silently mouthing "Oh my God !!" and pointing at the object.

8. Now return to the interior of your vehicle while showing a look of disappointment. Wait !! Be to hesitate of just a moment while entering the vehicle. Possibly performing a double-take.

9. Accelerate away from the object while taking at least 2 miles distance to reach legal speed limit.

I hate these bastards.

Supplemental 10/02/2007 8:30 am:
I saw again today the person that slows down for the other side of the divided highway. I caught her in a #3 and a #9. If she was getting paid, she should get minimum wage. Terrible work.